maribeth wilder doerr

Shades of Healing ~ Creating a Wholehearted Life

In This Moment

on October 3, 2012

frustrated

It’s been nearly four months since I’ve gotten sick.  I am much better than I was two months ago but this is one of those days where the brain fog is thick and everything I eat makes me sick.  EVERYTHING.  I am tired and so frustrated.  Life would be easier if I never had to eat.

It’s so easy to fall into a pit of despair on days like this, when I wonder if I’ll ever be able to function normally again.  Is my brain forever compromised by the summer of medication, painkillers, and anesthesia?  I get cranky that my coping method of comfort food is gone (and it’s a blessing that that coping method is gone but it still makes me C R A N K Y !!!).

And then I wonder . . . can I get curious enough to figure out a plan for days like this?  I’m a creative grief coach; it’s time to get creative!  Can I don my lab coat and just notice without judgment (as Janice Lynne Lundy so wisely advises)?  Yes, well, let’s start with the fact I’m not a bad person for feeling frustrated and whiny over this situation.

I took my new J.K. Rowling novel out to my deck and sat in the sunshine – those last few rays of summer.  But my brain is too foggy to read.  It’s making me more nauseated and the construction noise is distracting.  What can I do in this moment that would make me feel better – another wonderful question Jennifer Louden suggests.

So I took a shower and rubbed lotion on my very dry legs.  That felt so nice.  I stepped onto my yoga mat, but I knew a lot of movement would not be good for the nausea.  I sat down on the mat and breathed deeply.  Eric Klein’s removing obstacles MantraWave flowed into my brain and I breathed . . . coughed (asthma seems to be cranky today too) . . . breathed . . . coughed . . . relaxed . . . breathed . . . breathed . . . breathed . . .

Meeting myself on the mat, right where I’m at, without judgment . . . that’s loving-kindness.  And I’m okay.  Right here in this moment.

I won’t think about the next moment or the one after that.  I won’t think about my filthy house which hasn’t been cleaned since I got sick.  I won’t think about the massive to-do list that is crushing me.  I won’t think about our shaky financial status.  I won’t think about how I’ve failed my business.  I. won’t. think.

Breathe . . .

I’m okay.


3 Responses to “In This Moment”

  1. Marti says:

    You poor dear…get well soon!

  2. Natalya says:

    I’m sorry that you felt awful and so glad you found some space on your mat. Thanks so much for sharing.

  3. Ada says:

    I am so sorry that you are feeling so ill….I wish I could be there to hug…and help… you! You have lots of people out here in the world who love you and, like me, are sending you healing thoughts!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *